Talking “Judgy Mom Stuff” on iVillage The Conversation Thread
As a mom, do I judge other mothers? Well, I did. Harshly. Especially when I wasn’t a mom myself. But then motherhood happened to me, single motherhood to be exact – almost 14 years ago, and everything changed. I realized I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. I didn’t always have the help or resources that make being a mother so incredibly easy (yes, when you have the resources and help, parenting is way easier then when you don’t).
Now, at almost 41, I am the mother of two little ones (4 and 6) and honestly, I still don’t know what I am doing most of the time. I am more patient. I am more grounded. I am more willing to stop and listen. But most importantly, I have accepted the fact that because I am dealing with another human being, who happens to be my child but an independent being nonetheless, I have limited control over a lot of things. Of course, their father and I can guide things to be a certain way, we can share our beliefs, way of life, traditions, all the things we want to pass on to our children – including being good people. But since I am not ” a good person” all the time myself, it’s to be expected that my children might sometimes falter too and that’s our learning moment.
Judging other moms? Well, I judge people sometimes, often for how they treat other people. But I try to steer clear of judging of moms or dads, because that’s just a big ol’ mess only we can understand when we are personally in it. I’ve been in this game of parenting for far too long. Have gone from being an almost homeless single mom to a happily married, more prosperous one, and I assure you…I have no right to judge a person just trying to do their thing.
One thing I learned and have experienced is parenting is hard enough, I spend way too much time questioning if the choices I make are the right ones way too often to then have to worry about what others think or say about me. Do I care sometimes? Sure. Does it hurt my feelings? Well, sometimes…not so much anymore (I have age to thank for that).
So, in this video with iVillage where we talked about moms judging each other, I pass along a technique that has worked beautifully for me. It involves keeping your standards low…well, at least in the eyes of others. My philosophy is that by keeping my standards low, I take a lot of stress away from me and my children…and make the mom judging me feel pretty good about herself and whatever mess she’s not aware of because she’s too busy passing judgement on others. See? I’m such a giver.
So, hold your head up high and mommy-on (or daddy-on as the case may be) and smile at the good days.
Thanks to Kelly Wallace from The Conversation Thread and the iVillage team for including me in this fun discussion.
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As someone who is not a parent I make every ewffort to understand that I do not really have a clue what it is like to have a child + raise another human being
. I sometimes feel that parents who seem to just tune out their kids behavior in public places is unfair – but sorta get that maybe they have just had to create filters that we do not have. Hard job – and since I chose not to do it I try not to jude those who do.
Great advice. So true that people judge and sometimes it does hurt. I don’t know why parents are so harsh on other parents – maybe to make themselves feel better as parents?
It’s a hard not to do as human beings I think Barbara. I think deep inside we always suspect and maybe envision that we would handle things better, do things differently. I won’t say that it doesn’t cross my mind, I am certainly not above it. But I also know that whatever I may witness in a moment, a place, or specific time, especially when a mother and child is involved is but only a glimpse into their entire day and life together. Lord knows my children have moments when they are saints and those who meet them then think they are just GOLDEN. But they have moments when they are total demons, and it hurts to know people judge them and me as people because of that one bad parenting moment/child moment we may be having. It happens to the best of us.
I think so Bicultural Mama. I think it helps to elevate us to a sense of control and ability that we may doubt in ourselves. But, we really never know what goes on in the life of another, and we certainly can’t determine that by glimpsing at them at the playground or anywhere else we may be. It could be that what may seem like a total no-no to us, could quite possibly be the most amazing person out there. We just never know…I like to say, “Yup, here I am…a hot mess of a mom. Take it or leave it.” LOL!