Adventures in Parenting: From Chaos to Connection
This post is about my trials and tribulations in parenting, and about a resource I’ve found that has been helping me to be a better communicator with my children. If you think this has nothing to do with travel, it does, though not directly.
As a family-travel writer it goes without saying I do a lot of traveling with my family. And all those hours spent preparing for a trip, or on a plane, or in a car constantly challenge me as a mother, or sane adult. But not just then. I often find myself in situations where i really have no idea what to do, and even times when I just want to bury my head in the sand and not deal with it. Being a parent, whether on the road or not, has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Yes, it’s also great and full of awesome moments…and those are most of my experiences with my kids I am fortunate to say. But I am not the best of mothers. I don’t have a lot of good material to refer back to.
My mother, may she rest in peace, passed away too soon, and as a child I spent some time with her, but not a lot. Which was my bad luck, cause she was a great mother, a wonderful parent, and I think whatever “skills” I have as a mother is a direct result of her influence on me as a young girl, and then as a young woman.
I spent most of my pre-teen and teen years with my dad. Let’s just say, not the best parental example. We don’t speak. After I stopped feeling fear towards him, there was no other feeling left and our relationship has failed several attempts of being functional. What I was left with though were a lot of bad parental habits. I yell at my kids, loose my temper, shut down, have no idea what the right way to discipline my child would be without some emotional scaring, I’m sure. I mean, yes, I try my best to NOT repeat those things that were so hurtful to me as a child, but when I am stressed, or tired, or running to catch a plane, or in a car for 10 hours with whining kids…what doesn’t come natural to me, just, well, doesn’t come natural.
With my 12 year old it’s hardest. Because he has developed his own personality, and opinions, and voice. We’ve bumped heads lately and I was starting to worry that maybe I was like my dad with my son way too often. I lack the knowledge of holding my son accountable for his actions without putting him down, or discouraging him with my words. It’s what my father did to me, it’s what I sometimes find myself doing to my son. And it hurts us both, because I want to be different, but I don’t always know how. And my son, in general, as a person, as a kid, is pretty awesome.
Then I met Dave Herz, Founder and President of Vive, a nationally recognized family counseling service, and Michael Behmer, Co-Creator of Chaos to Connection, with Herz. I took the time to meet them because even though it may not seem like my home is experiencing chaos, internally I was and I needed help.
We talked about our experiences with parenting in our own childhood, and as parents ourselves. And we shared moments that we look back at with not so much pride, but others that we took as opportunities to make better.
They provided me with a Chaos to Connection kit. In it there’s written and video material to help the parent/guardian evaluate themselves, take a step back and really focus on what is going on during a moment of conflict, and help to see their child in a way that is not often possible to do when angry, stressed, preoccupied with life. It provides tips on how to stop and really figure out ways to speak to your child, positive methods of accountability, and ways of opening the communication so that it doesn’t become a battle for control, but rather a conversation about mutual respect and understanding.
I became very emotional when reading the material because I saw a lot of myself in the examples they had given. Like me seeing my son as “lazy” and no more in certain instances. The material I read encouraged me to instead look deeper, and when I did I saw that in may ways it was more about him “lacking motivation” and “needing my support”. The realization of that, and that’s just one example, made me sad. Very sad. Because that’s my dad’s treatment of me.
I took my 12 year old with me to our trip to Atlantis with the full intention of connecting with him in a more positive manner and we did. But I also found another weakness and that is my ability to just talk to my kid, outside the role of “mom making rules, directing the day” or being in some position of command. Just being there, one-on-one with my child, no distractions from the other two younger children, my husband, or life in general, was strange. Finding what to talk about was hard. The first night together was uncomfortable, full of rehearsed questions, that he seemed uncomfortable in answering. It was just awkward. But it was important, especially since he had been in a fight at school the day before we left and I knew needed to talk about it to someone. And I was it.
The next day, I decided to just not try so hard and let the moment kind of lead us. Sounds easy, but we don’t get a lot of moments just the two of us, so it took some effort. By day 3, he and I were really bonding. He was more affectionate and happy, and talkative. He laughed more on those last two days than I had heard him laugh in a long time…with me. He even openly complimented me a few times.
Of course, back to reality and the challenges of such is a new ball game, and I’ve faltered a couple of times already. Like not believing him when he insisted he was telling me the truth on something, and flying off the handle for other things without giving him a chance to explain. But, I also take the time to apologize and talk it out with him.
I don’t know that I will ever be a GREAT parent, but I want to be a good one, and I want my boys to be happy and have happy memories of their life with me and their dad. And, I know that I don’t have to be my dad, or a parent like him, even if it’s all I knew growing up. I can be better, love better.
I am grateful to have met Dave and Michael, and so incredibly grateful for the tools I have found in the Chaos to Connection kit. It has helped me slow down, really see my children in a different way, and improve the way we communicate with each other.
I love my children more than anyone or anything I have ever loved, and I want them to never doubt that, no matter what the situation, and despite my imperfections. Not every amazing journey is had on the road, some of the most unforgettable ones are had right here at home, one on one with your loved ones.
Chaos to Connection Box Set is #249.00 and also includes access to Vive’s 24-hour, on call support service staffed by professional practitioners, which can be purchased as needed in affordable increments.
Disclosure: This is not a sponsored post nor am I being compensated for the opinions stated above. Though I received the Chaos to Connection kit free of charge, I was neither persuaded, nor pressured to share my story, or give a review of any kind. My hope with this post is solely to encourage other parents to take the steps to see their children in more positive ways, and hopefully seek help if they are experiencing trouble at home, whether it be through this service or another.
May All Your Family Adventures Be Happy Adventures!
What a valuable lesson to learn and one that I will take with me after reading your post.
Great post, thanks for sharing it with the rest of the world.
Sweetie, this is something we all kind of struggle with and also hate to admit. Thanks for being open about it and leading the way for us to talk about and deal with our own baggage. Hugs!
[...] her family-travels adventures as a New York City mom with three kids. In her recent post, “Adventures in Parenting: From Chaos to Connection,” Carol shares some of her personal story about her own parents, struggles with parenting, [...]
This is an awesome post, and one that I’m sure many parents can relate too – I know that I have struggled with many of these same concerns myself. Thanks for your candor!
I just wanted to say: Thank you for such honest sharing. I feel so much like what you have described.